Childhood Journal Entries 7/23/02 & 8/19/02

These are two new childhood entries, that I've written. It's been months since I'd posted some new ones, but due to the situation going on in the world today, I'd figured writing more of this, would be good for the soul. Just reading through my childhood entries, would help me stay focused, and not lose so far behind. 

Hopefully you enjoy. 

P.S.- If you can be able to not judge these entries as such, that would be great. At the time, during Middle School, I was trying to find my identity. These passages are a nice reminder, of how I was trying to find them. If I don't list the name of the person to whom I'm referring to. It's mainly because I don't want to compromise their name. 


7/23/02

Dear Journal, 

It's me again. Yeah, but obviously I'm just ticked off, at this person to whom I treat as a rival. Why? Because he's so cool, skilled, and popular is why. Everything I challenge him at, whether it be Video Games, Yu-Gi-Oh, Freestyling, Wrestling, or dance offs, he would not only defeat me but humiliate me as well. Making me feel as though, I can't measure to him in any particular way. The more he beat me in those fields, the more humiliated, angry, and outraged I'd feel, because of how much he would rub it in my face. I find him to be a jerk for that, but because he has charisma, so many people like him. Thus why he's so popular. 
Because of this, I would train outside, practicing and trying to master all of the fields that I can think of: dancing, drawing, singing, freestyling, Yu-Gi-Oh (Strategizing), reflexes in my hand-eye coordination, & learn Wrestling moves. All throughout the summer, I've been doing those. Wanting to be excellent in all of them. So that I can get a lot of attention, and feel important as well. Losing to him, was no longer an option for me. I'd felt as though, that I had to get up to par with him, in all of those areas. So that I can be really good, just like him. I'll write to you another time, but until then, I'm going to keep training & practicing. So that I can be cool too. 

8/19/02

Dear Journal, 
Hello once again. I've just spent a month and a few days. I'm still training & this is my 8th-grade year now. But because of this, I've been under a lot of extreme pressure. According to just about every boy and girl...you know what? Forget it. What's the use, the real revelation of all of this, is that no matter how hard I try and train as hard as I could, I'm not as good-looking, as skilled, and as amazing as the cool and popular guys. Just left of the totem pole. What's worse, is that I've gotten ignored, neglected, and given the constant silent treatment from just about everyone else. Because I'm not as cool, or as amazing, or as popular, as the rest of the cool kids. 
I've should've known, that there was no way that I could've gotten a girlfriend, because as far as I'm concerned, I'm way out of the league of the supernatural beauty type. The more that I think about it, the more I resent myself, for not being able to be just like the beautiful people as well. 

So those are my two childhood entries. If you can already tell, I wasn't...sigh...the most self-confident person. Often times, I'd wish I'd stopped beating myself up so much. But nevertheless, that's what I was like back in Middle School. It somewhat changed in High School, but not until later on.