Another two journal entries...The continued journey through ambition...

07/28/01 (Updated: 05/20/2016)

Dear Journal, 
Hello old friend. How have you've been? Have you'd ever felt like you couldn't connect with your brother or dad? That they leave you out and isolate you, because your not what they call a definition of what it means to be a guy? And I'm talking being loud, boisterous, too lively, too animated? And because you don't talk about robots or nothing to do with emotions, your considered a girly man, and are expected to be ridiculed time and time again? Well I do. Every time they'd get together, I'm considered the wussy or pansy, because I like to be cool, calm, collected, and level-headed. And not have a big-headed, highly opinionated aspect of myself, to the point where I can speak down on my own sibling, like I'm all that and a bag of chips. 
As if he can even brag at all, and they have any form of credibility. At least I had numerous friends and close friends, a girlfriend to whom I'm lucky to have, made it to championships by myself or with a team, and won a gold medal or silver medal.  Even with running, which is not one of my favorite sports, I've made All-American, Division I for X-Country and Track and Fields, and has had an amazing journey with my teammates, who became long terms friends. I have numerous books & e-books, all written underneath my pen name. Even made Outstanding Writers Award, many times. And even still, have proven many times, that while I may not be the best athlete in the world, at least I can compete with some of the best! I even made it to the Youth Soccer Championship, about four times, which should show how much of a great athlete I'd aimed to be! And since I'm at my peak, I can literally train, to become an Olympic Athlete for both 2020 and 2024. And go to the Olympics, to compete against the best. And while maybe someone might beat my record, at least I'd know I'd made it this far! Jealousy! That's all that this is, at the end of the day. It's freaking pathetic, and I shouldn't have to be looked down upon, for it. Making false assumptions about me, that aren't even true. Making it sound like I have no goals, that I stay in my room, pout & do nothing. That couldn't any further from the truth. In fact, I still happen to put in work, everyday. For over 20 years, I've stayed dedicated, committed, and determined in improving my penmanship, exercising, keeping myself in shape, training to stay in the best shape of fitness, and improving in other areas of my life. The last thing I'd be doing, is pouting and doing nothing! Anyways, that's all I wanted to vented on, for this one. 

Signed, 
Beckett "Garbo" Baldwin 

 1/4/02

Dear Journal, 
What's up old friend? Me...nothing much, just relaxing, or chillin as they like to call it. I think I've found, through the months of just staying busy and goal-oriented, the true strength within me, if I believe that only will better myself, but also not care, what the haters have to say about me. It's been months, since I've tried to find my inner strength, to stay as dedicated & committed to my goals. I'd realized that if they want to continue hat'n, then they can continue to keep hat'n, because I'm still going to do what I feel like is necessary, to accomplish my goals, and leave behind my mark in this world, for others to feel inspired by. Now,through all of that, I'd realized what it takes to believe in myself, I still feel that there are a lot of things, that I still need to accomplish, and leave that mark in the world as well. Anyways, that's all I have to say, but then hey, it's the thought that counts right? Until then, see you later. 

Signed, 
G.B.III.

Being Human...

Today, I'd felt like sharing something that's personal to me. Something to remind me, that I'm human & I'm different from others. So I won't spend too much diving into it, so I'll just go ahead and get to it. I love  the sound of Showers & Thundershowers, but I absolutely fear/hate Thunderstorms! Especially the Heavy Thunderstorms, that make those super crackling sound as well, and produces hail & tornadoes. When one happens, my highest priority is to stay away from a window immediately, so that the flashes doesn't make it worse. Because of this, I've called a sissy, a wuss, and girly-man, because of being afraid of something, that can kill me...if I were outside. And to me, it goes to show what they know about me. 
I'm born with sensitive hearing. Therefore, noises are amplified with me more than the normal person, and my heart jumps 10x faster than normal people. So because of it, I'm a light sleeper, and I pick up hearing things even while I sleep very clearly. And again, if this makes me such a girly-man, a wuss, and a total pansy for admitting that they do tend to scare me, even when my body picks up on this, then by means, go right ahead. At this point, I don't care anymore, because I'm willing to admit that I have a fear that I still battle to this day. And while I do admit, that it's not as extreme as a phobia, where I'm having uncontrollable, irrational fear and losing my mind, literally, it's still one of those, I have to listen to music to help me soothe through the storm. So that it doesn't send me into a comatose state, because of the big loud noise, that tears through my eardrum. I know there are plenty of those, who find it amazing and bash those who aren't the same, but that doesn't promote empathy of any kind. 
As far as I'm concerned, this is probably something that I know won't fully go away. But at least, if I can make sure that I always stay calm in these situations and never go it paranoia, then I'll still consider it self-improvement. Just felt like sharing it, because blogs really do act a wonderful journal. 

Sincerely, 

Beckett Baldwin

P.S.-No, I don't need psychiatric help, for something that's not an extreme problem, and already found a way to keep calm. Because being calm in these situations, always is the most important to me, over everything else.